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The nuclear weapons era ends: Not with a bang but with songs!

September 14, 2015

NukeAbbaThe happy year 2045.

Finally it happened: One month ago, on Aug 6 2045, the century of slavery under the nuclear threat ended.

For thirty years the nuclear arms race between China and the USA had been going on. The Chinese brandished new nuclear missiles at the First of May parades, year in and year out. Thousands and thousands of missiles. So the USA had to keep up. Trillions of dollars were invested. The country became increasingly impoverished. There were bread queues in the cities; people went to Mexico and Guatemala for work and food.

But China flourished. How was that possible? The resentment against the Chinese increased.

So when the Chinese declared that they were going to take over Taiwan – a rather popular move for poor Taiwan – USA had to live up to its commitments to protect Taiwan. “I have just ordered our forces to destroy the evil Empire of China” said the President of the USA, Ms. Jennifer Smith, a transvestite who needed to establish her masculinity.

Hold it, cried the Chinese. We have no nuclear weapons! The missiles are just empty shells. They should be filled with candy at the centennial of the Peoples Republic in 2049. Call back the missiles!

Too late. Missiles cannot be called back. The world was going to be destroyed.

However, the North Koreans thought that the missiles were directed against them. So they launched a missile containing a 100 megaton bomb and the embalmed body of the Great Leader, Kim Il Sung, the perennial president. The missile exploded at a height of 100 km, sending a enormous electromagnetic pulse over the world. Or was it the force emanating from the Great Leader that destroyed all satellites and all GPS systems?

The American missiles lost their bearings and, as programmed in case of system failure, went straight to the North Pole, aiming at the Russian flag on the sea floor, and there the missiles buried themselves without any explosion.

A fleet of strategic bombers flew from North Korea, without GPS but under the guidance of the eternal president’s teaching. They all went to California and landed at Disneyland. Out came an all female crew, in their ridiculous uniforms, with very short skirts. They waved the ultimate weapon: The Little Blue book with the songs of the Dear leader Kim Jong-il. Singing they took over Disneyland, the land of their dreams, the songs were heard everywhere, enormous loudspeakers in space sent the songs praising the North Korean Leaders all over the world.

The US leaders got the message: Nuclear weapons are useless. All military men were sent to Academies of music, military orchestras were reborn, the songs by Jennifer Smith competed with the equally awful songs from the Peoples Democratic Republic of Korea. Everyone had their hands on their ears to stop the music and no one could handle a gun.

Oh, I finally found myself longing back to the Nuclear Era, from this world of abominable music.

But I have found a good defence: Old atomic-era headphones. They not only protect against all this noise, they also provide me with nice old tunes. I have just found recordings of a group called Grateful Dead – very appropriate name – and now also one named Abba!

I am happy again.

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